Homesick?

There's no word for this exactly. There should be a word for when you are in the same place, but everyone else leaves. It's not homesick, exactly, because I'm still at home, more or less. Although, I suppose, if home is where the heart is, and the people I see everyday and love to pieces left, then, in a way, my home left me. Does that constitute homesickness?

Fitzy just left. His parents came this morning and they very kindly brought me along for coffee and a wander around the mall. I had a lot of fun trying to convince Fitzy to buy a horrendous pair of bright orange jeans. I also spent some time discussing with his mother the appropriate hair products for him. I'm telling you, Pantene Curl Creating Mousse. It's divine. After a lot of joking, and wandering, and general good times, I came back to the apartment and he left for home with his parents.

I suppose that today is the first day that I realized that it's really summer. We've been saying for some time that it felt more like a vacation, or a long weekend. I guess part of me was waiting for classes to start up again and everything to return to normal. Things won't be normal for another 4 months though, and I just realized that I'm going to be away from some of the most important people to me for 4 long months.

Fitzy is coming to Ottawa for a few days next months. Jackie is off to Russia for the summer in a few weeks. I'm going home on Monday. We're going to be hundreds and thousands of km away from each other for four months. I can't even begin to fathom what that's going to feel like. I had my first bought of sadness the minute I saw Fitzy drive away. It's probably a good thing that I'm having supper with my family tonight, otherwise it would be a very long lonely night.

I miss you already.

Penny Toss

I'm up. I'm dressed. I'm ready to face the world. That is, if by "ready to face the world" I mean ready to sit on my futon and throw pennies at Fitzy's door. Then, by golly, I'm ready!

He's up, I know he is, the phone's rung like 3 times this morning. So I will sit here and continue to throw pennies until he responds.

Stolen Time

Someone stole an entire day from me. I've been so relaxed and happy since I moved in here that I completely lost track of the days. It wasn't until just before midnight that I realized it was a day later than I thought it was. I went through all of Wednesday thinking that it was Tuesday. Where did the day go? I had to retrace all my steps, and even after I'd managed to convince myself that it was, in fact, already Wednesday, I felt lost and disoriented.

I guess it really is true: time flies when you're having fun.

Updating

Still here. A bunch of friends came over, and Fitzy went with them to Rogers to rent a video for us to watch tonight. I'm here, writing in my blog as Jackie paces around across the hall in Fitzy's room on the phone with her sweetie. That's pretty much it. Things are nice and slow and relaxed.

Jackie, Fitzy and I went shopping today. I bought a new shirt that reads "Nerds {heart} Me", two new belts, and a birthday present for my darling brother. It's not what I wanted to get him, but it'll work and I think he'll like it.

And now, on to the hanging out. Woot.

Confidante

Generally speaking, I'm more than willing to talk to my friends, and am honoured to have them confide in me. I like to think that I'm a trustworthy person, and it feels good to know that they trust me.

Sometimes, however, knowing things can be quite painful. Knowing, for example, that a good friend of mine, who is head over heels for another one of my friends, is about to be dumped by said second friend, is a little bit awful. I can't say anything to the first friend, but it just kills me to hear about how happy they are, knowing that it's going to end. I wish there was something I could do to cushion the blow, but there isn't. It isn't my place even if there was. I just wish I didn't know. In this one instance, I wish that the second friend hadn't confided. What was I possibly supposed to say? How am I supposed to hold this in, when it's about to crush someone I care so much about? This just isn't fair.

Post Script

Right, so here I am again. Moved in. I've repacked almost all my stuff, and have two more boxes to leave behind. This means that I should be able to fit everything in the car. In fact, now I'm almost wondering if it might only take up the trunk and half of the back seat. I'm slightly skeptical however. I don't remember exactly how big the trunk is.

As a bonus, I have found a wireless network that is allowing me access. I'm not sure how long it will last for, but I plan to enjoy it while I can. I can always steal Fitzy's laptop, but this way I feel less demanding and in the way. Hurrah.

I love that I have nothing to do for the next week. I'll probably go half crazy, but it's kind of nice anyways. I just have to get my keys to my old landlord tomorrow to get my deposit back. I told him I'd be there at about noon tomorrow. This means I should set some sort of alarm so that I'm up and showered and presentable by noon. It doesn't happen naturally by that time anymore. I've lost my early morning groove. I'll get it back soon enough.

Sitting here right now, I'm feeling very good about things. I have to say that I'm stupidly excited about living here with the guys for these few days.

Moved!

Thanks to my family, and Jackie and Fitzy, I got moved today. Thanks you guys! Your lifting and trekking up and down those stairs did not go unappreciated. Almost all of my stuff is at Jackie's place, and the rest is at Fitzy's where I'm staying for the next week before I go home. I'm planning on repacking tomorrow so that I can cram as much stuff as possible into the car. This might mean that I have to leave more stuff behind. Sigh.

Done!

I did it! I wrote my last exam. I am not 100% done my third year at university. After I wrote my last exam I decided to go get my hair cut. Since it was late on a Saturday afternoon and I'm am always short of cash I just went to the local First Choice, but heck, all I wanted was a trim and layers. Anybody can do that, right? Right. Of course, some people don't put product in your hair or dry it after they're done cutting, but those people don't get tips either.

So after I got my hair cut, came home and styled it, I am now about to spend some blissful hours playing sims 2 and ignoring the many things going on around me. My roommates are packing up and heading out, there are parties up and down the street, and I am going to lose myself in the world of my little sim families. Sigh, the heaven.

Desperation

I fully believe that the gym should be open all night, for occasions like this, at 3am when I really need to either scream at the top of my lungs or run for hours until I can't physically move any more.

Please, please, please can I go home now?

Sunrise

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Scratches

Don't you love it when you find random injuries on your body and you don't know where they came from? I woke up yesterday with a huge scratch on the top of my left foot, right above my toes. How did this happen? I wear sneakers all the time, and there are no gaping holes in my shoe, nor are there any sharp objects in my bed, which is the only other place I could have feasibly gotten injured.

As if that wasn't weird enough, I've just discovered that I have another scratch on the back of my calf. Where did this come from? What was I doing? How odd.

Second Last Exam Done

I just got back from writing Field Methods. I was hit by a rather severe case of insomnia last night and didn't end up falling asleep until close to 4am. Whether this was due to the fact that my brain was working overtime trying to remember all the stupid lectures from Field Methods, or because I've packed all my bedding and am sleeping in a sleeping bag, or because I slept in until noon yesterday, I'm not sure. Whatever it was, I didn't fall asleep until 4am, and then had to haul myself out of bed at 8am to go write my exam. I stumbled groggily into the exam room, only mildly perturbed by the fact that I seemed to be surrounded by 400 students with calculators and cheat sheets full of formulas (not something we encounter in anthropology) and not a single other anthropology student in sight. I found out later that I had come in the economics entrance, rather than the one I was supposed to be at. It didn't make a difference in the end since we all wrote in the same room, I just had to walk past 80 rows of seating to get to my section, but I wish someone would tell me these things.

At any rate, the exam went really well. There were only two questions I couldn't answer. One about Project Camelot (Project What? We have projects in anthropology? What is this, this CIA? Come to think of it... we did talk about the CIA in our ethics section... hmm) and one about the derive, which I know I know, I just couldn't remember. I estimate that I got an 80 (A-, I'll take it) on it, which I'm happy with. I love it when profs include their marking scheme on the exam paper. It makes it so much easier to judge.

Now I'm home, and showered (nobody showers before a morning exam - except those girls who must wake up with makeup on and their hair perfect) and am now going to meet Fitzy for coffee, which I desperately need. Can you say "afternoon nap"?

Update: Project Camelot was something about ethics, and did, in fact, involve spies. I knew that! I never remember it being referred to as Project Camelot in lecture. How frustrating. If she'd said "talk about a time when anthropologists were seen as spies" I would have been all over it. But no. Some obscure name. Honestly.

I Hate Biopsych

Recently I discovered that the weekly quizzes in my biopsychology class were worth twice what I thought they were. This caused me some concern since I didn't do very well on most of them. They were stupidly worded, and I stick by that excuse.

Regardless, I figured out that in order to pass biopsych I need to get a 59% on the final (I got a 57% on the midterm, ouch). This is not going to be a pretty mark, but I think I should be able to pass it, and that's really all I want at this point. I'll worry about the horrific effect this is going to have on my GPA later.

I didn't think it would be this hard. It was supposed to just be a combination of first year psychology and high school biology. I was supposed to know all this already...or that's what people told me. In reality, it's the hardest thing I've ever taken. Stupid, stupid, stupid me for taking it to begin with.

Free

Deleted. I did it. Gone. Off the msn list. I couldn't do it and couldn't do it, and then, just now, he popped online, with that stupid picture of them, and I just went, "ugh", and deleted him.

What a strange feeling of relief. I feel...lighter. I don't have to see that reminder of the fact that he wasn't unwilling to be in a relationship...just unwilling to be in a relationship with me. No more reminder. No more smug picture and smart-ass quote. Nothing.

I'm free.

On my Birthday

Look up your birthdate, minus the year, at Wikipedia. Then, list 3 events, 2 births and 1 death from the choices that the site gives you.

Events:
1) 1941 - World War II - attack on Pearl Harbour
2) 1972 - Apollo 17, the last Apollo moon mission, is launched
3) 1988 - Yasser Arafat recognizes the right of Israel to exit

Births:
1) 1928 - Noam Chomsky, American linguist and political writer
2) 1949 - Tom Waits, American singer, composer, and actor

Deaths:
1) 43 BC - Cicero, Roman politician and author

Livid

All I want is to go home, and the stupid, stupid, STUPID school is making me stay here until May 1st so I can sign some retarded form about my distance ed. I have to be here. There's absolutely no way they can mail or fax it to me. I have to be here in this #$%*ing city.

I am sick of it here. I'm angry and fed up with practically everybody. I want to be away from this place, away from the drama, away from the psychotic roommates, away, away, AWAY. I have never wanted to leave a place quite so much, and I'm stuck here for another WEEK. SEVEN DAYS. 168 hours. 10 080 minutes. 604 800 seconds. That is exactly 604 799 seconds more than I wanted to spend here. I want to go HOME.

I HATE MY UNIVERSITY.

Random Quotes of the Evening

Dear world. Matt is mean.

"I can't feel my small intestine."

Hallucinations

I think that these drugs I'm on are making me hallucinate. I feel tired and spacey all the time, but more to the point, I'm having actually hallucinations. For the first full hour of my day today I was convinced that I was living in a city trapped in a glass sphere, and that everyone lived in this city until they realized it was limiting them, and then they were ejected from the sphere by the government. I was in my shower and was gripped by a very real fear that when I stepped out of the shower they'd be waiting for me and would throw me out of the city, away from everyone I love, and through the glass in a hovercraft.

Now really, what could be making my brain malfunction like this? I'll have to go home and read the pamphlets the pharmacist gave me about my medications, and see if any of them has the potential side effect of hallucination. What's up with this?

UPDATE: Turns out that can be a side effect of the antibiotic that I'm on, and apparently it's nothing to worry about, and should fade over time. It's probably being made worse because the inhalers I'm on both make me lightheaded. Joy. At any rate I feel much better today (Sunday).

Upset

Why didn't I take Geography classes??? Why didn't I do a Geography degree?? I loved geography in high school. Whatever possessed me to neglect this area of study?

For some reason I'm feeling very melancholy about this. I should have taken geography. I want to have taken geography! It's too late for me to take geography now. I've WASTED my TIME.

Walk the Line

Fitzy and I rented Walk the Line tonight. It was an amazing story. I had no idea there was all that to the life of Johnny Cash. The love story between him and June Carter is really something. I have to admit that I'm an absolute sucker for long term love. I love stories about love that lasts forever. It gives me hope.

Now I'm home and listening to It Ain't Me, Babe over and over and over. What a beautiful song.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe
Go lightly on the ground
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'll only let you down
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who'll promise never to part
Someone to close his eyes to you
Someone to close his heart
Someone to die for you and more

Health-Related Escapades

What a day. I got up, and almost immediately had a coughing fit that left me choking and gasping for air. I decided enough was enough and went down to health services on campus. By the time I got there (it's a 5-7 minute walk) I was dizzy and my breathing was laboured and erratic. I staggered into the reception area, and described my symptoms to the nurse. She sent me in to see the on-call doctor after only a 10 minute wait - very reasonable. The doctor looked at me, listened to my breathing for about, oh, 22 seconds, and sent me off to have x-rays.

The machine was down for "routine testing" when I got the x-ray lab, so I had to wait for half an hour before that went through, then I went to fill my prescription, which turns out, came to a whopping $136 (ouch) which is definitely more than I currently have in my bank account (double ouch). Thankfully a somewhat tearful phone call to Mum solved the problem. Understand that by this point I was so tired, dizzy, and in pain that even stepping up curbs left me gasping and teary. I got my prescriptions (2 inhalers and antibiotics for a week) and headed over to Fitzy's place. I dosed myself up on bronchialdilators and some kind of cordicosteroid and the outrageously expensive antibiotics, and felt instantly better. It was like I'd suddenly been pulled up from drowning.

I then relaxed and played some video games until Fitzy and everyone came back from their adventures, and we walked down to the park in search of the feinting goat they have at the zoo. We didn't find it, but we did find bunnies, lots and lots of bunnies. Now I am home again, and am under strict instructions from a very concerned friend to "do nothing but relax, or ELSE" (he then made his "I eat small children" noise, or I imagine he did).

I am now going to venture into the living room to get a drink, and then will once more resume my state of forced vegetation. I do feel fine, not to worry, I just tire very easily. Still not enough oxygen in the system.

Happy Birthday Brother

Today my baby brother turns 17. Today is a big day because at 17 I finally have to give in that he is no longer a baby. At 16 there was still something very young associated with the number, but 17, well, that's a big number. 17 was my favourite teenage year, although looking back I can't quite remember why. Still, I hope that it is as good for him as I seem to remember it being for me.

It's funny that I think of Adam as my baby brother, because in many ways he is older and stronger than me, and there are so many things that I admire about him.

He have always been filled with seemingly limitless energy. There's been a running joke in the family that he hit the ground bouncing and haven't yet stopped. This energy comes combined with his incredible creative spirit and ability to spin everything into a positive light. Whenever I have needed some whole-hearted fun, encouragement, or a different perspective, Adam has always been able to provide it for me along with that characteristic quirk of the eyebrow that always makes me laugh.

I used to wish that I had an older brother to be protective of me. This was a silly desire, really, because I already had a little brother who would stand up to things six times his size to protect me. When I was about five, and Adam was about two, we were visiting family friends, and a particularly tall friend of Dad's (he had to be about 6 feet) caught me up and threw me in the air. My shrieks of laughter were misinterpreted by Adam, who rushed to my rescue. He squared his one and a half foot tall body against this towering man's, hands on hips, looked up at his enemy and proclaimed, "You live my sister alone!" Even in the face of this giant, Adam's courage and loyalty was unfaltering in his desire to protect me.

Adam has always been a very private person, but I have never had to struggle to communicate with him. Maybe it's the privilege of being the big sister, maybe it's just that we get each other, but whatever it is, I am truly grateful that I am allowed into the inner life of Adam.

So Adam, here's to the 17 years that you have now been a part of my life. I can't imagine life without your charm, wit, and calming intelligence. You are the best little brother that any girl could wish to have, and I love you.

Oh Wednesday...

Tonight I write my second exam. This means I'm just about halfway through my exams. The one tonight I'm not that concerned about. It's four essays, all based off of lecture notes. I went to all the classes; I took good notes; I paid attention. It should be a piece of cake. Then I have a week off to prep for my next two: field methods and biopsych. Ew.

If all goes according to plan, I will be home in Ottawa in 11 days. That is, of course, assuming that I get all my distance ed stuff sorted out by then. This is turning out to be a heck of a lot of work. It will be worth it though.

I need to get more boxes. I'm down to one, and I still have a bunch to pack. When it stops raining I'll have to raid the back of the dining hall again.

I'm mostly healthy again. My throat is still messed up. My dear friend told me today that I sound like some sort of man-cross emphysema patient. It's not attractive. Also, today I seem to have developed a weird side-effect where everything tastes bad. Everything. At first I thought it was just that the soup in the fridge was too old, and that the tap water was especially chlorine-y today, but then when the fries tasted like soap and the burger tasted like it had been doused in honey mustard, I started to think that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't actually the food.

A Midnight Walk, A Serious Talk

I'm completely unphased. Is that wrong? I was expecting it; it happened. I am surprisingly indifferent. How odd. Is it possible, do you think, to expect something so completely and totally to just kind of breathe a sigh of relief when it does happen? At least now I won't have to think about when it will happen, because it just did.

And I am entirely fine.

Still sick

Just woke myself up coughing. When will this end? I want to be healthy again! I want my nose to stop running like a tap, my lungs to stop trying to eject themselves from my body, and my head to stop trying to collapse in on itself.

Had my first exam today. It went okay I guess. I studied each person and their theories and broad additions to anthropology...and he tested us on their specific articles and the people they studied. Drat. Having said that, I think I did okay. We shall see. I know I didn't fail it, I think worse case scenario it'll pull me down to a B. Guh.

Well, I'm drugged. Time to try that sleep thing again.

Sick

It happened on Saturday. I could slowly feel it creeping up on me over the course of the day. First a headache, then the chills set in, then I started coughing and lost my voice. Today I've been shivering just about constantly. I'm warm, but I feel freezing. I can't get warm enough. I'm wearing layers, and still I'm cold - shaking cold.

And my first exam is tomorrow. Perfect timing.

Slightly Bitter

I should just by all rights block, delete, and never speak to him again. Well, I should do that after I get my last video game back from him, which has to happen some time this month. He always has a quote along with his display name. This, I've noticed, is a common theme among msn names: put some quote by some famous person that some how relates to who you are or how you're feeling.

Today, I noticed two things:
1) The quote has now become "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself" - Albert Einstein.
2) His msn picture is now of him and some girl.

This absolutely infuriates me. I was with the son-of-a-gun on and off for a year, he treated me like garbage, and now, because he's with this other girl, he's suddenly willing to live outside himself? First of all, I absolutely doubt that it's true: once a megalomaniac bastard, always a megalomaniac bastard. Secondly though, what is so awesome about this girl? I was so good to him - way better than he ever deserved. I was an awesome girlfriend and I didn't get an msn picture. I didn't get a life changing msn quote. I got jack all.

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Never, never, never again.

Get Out of My Life

Mind my business. Please, I beg of you. Stick your nose right in there and meddle. Seize secrets and spread them around like wildfire. Tell everyone, tell someone. Tell them anonymously so that I can't become angry with you. Cause harm. Cause havoc. Cause pain. Start fights. Make me hurt. Make others cry. You obviously know better than me. I can't be trusted with my own knowledge, my own life, my own business. I need your guidance. I need you to ruin everything.

So please, mind my business.

Song Game

Put iTunes, winamp, or whatever you use on shuffle and post a line from the first twenty songs.

1) Open my eyes, I realize, this is my perfect day
2) I can't understand why we let someone rule our lands, cap in hand
3) It's a big enough umbrella, but it's always me that ends up getting wet
4) Don't wanna be a fool for you, just another player in your game for two
5) If we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow
6) I dreamed that the world was falling down
7) Our mountains are very pointy, our praries are not
8) Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
9) It's not just that I'm selfish and spoiled, it's not that just that I'm so unprepared
10) Keeping the peace was keeping her down, that look in her eyes said "compromise"
11) It seems like such fun until you lose what you had won
12) Yesterday's people end up scatterbrain
13) Stood on the edge, tied to a noose, you came along and set me loose
14) Love struck holding you tight, hold me tight
15) Inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time
16) Engine, engine number 9 on the New York Transit Line, if my train goes off the track pick it up!
17) How we rockin' it girl, without body guards
18) Why did I have to break in, I only came here to talk
19) I don't know where I stand, do you have to hold my hand?
20) I couldn't wait 'till I got home to pass the time in my room alone.

The songs: (Never Grow Old, The Cranberries), (Cap in Hand, The Proclaimers), (Every Little Thing She Does is Magic, The Police), (Bye Bye Bye, *Nsync), (Lean on Me, UB40), (Busted, Matchbox Twenty), (Canada is Really Big, Arrogant Worms), (Eleanor Rigby, The Beatles), (Bye Bye Baby, Ok Go), (Mamma Would Say, Malaika), (Look What You've Done, Jet), (Scatterbrain, Radiohead), (Amsterdam, Coldplay), (Sexbomb, Tom Jones), (Bad Touch, Bloodhound Gang), (Love Like This Before Remix, Faith Evans Ft. Crooklyn Clan), (Hey Mamma, Black Eyed Peas), (The Old Apartment, Barenaked Ladies), (Sunday, The Cranberries), (Adam's Song, Blink 182)

Job!

I got a waitress position at the campus bar for next year! I'm very excited!

Who's been sneaking me uppers?

It's cold, and rainy, but I am in the best mood ever! My one prof gave us all the exam essay topics, so now I feel much more confident about the exam. I can draw up outlines no problem. Give me a day or two to prep (and I have a week and a half) and I'll nail it.

I have time now to eat something for supper, and then I get to go to the walksafe meeting and the literacy meeting. I'm rediculously excited.

And then. AND THEN.

I've been so excited all day that I made myself nausius to the point where I couldn't eat for fear of having it come up again. I'm dizzy nervous flustered excited.

butterflies on the rampage!

Beautiful Day

I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go
Scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one

Good things. So many good things I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I won't begin. Maybe I'll just keep all the good things to me. They're that much more special because of it.

Let it just be said that today is a beautiful day, on many, many levels. It came from yesterday, and continues tomorrow. Today is a beautiful day that will last even after the sun sets.

Wonderment of the Day:

What is it about the words "hey you" that are so bizarrely intimate? "Hey" is for everybody, but "you" is special. "Hey Haley" is nothing spectacular, but "hey you" is. It's like the omission of the name, and the substitution for a pronoun hints at a greater knowing and closeness. It's friendly; it's caring; it's personal. It speaks volumes of possibilities, hopes, fears, and untold shared secrets.

There are different ways people say it. Friends say it as a casual greeting filled with intonations of fun, caring, and humour. Family say it as an informal greeting filled with protective love. Lovers, and would be lovers, say it with inflections of longing and intimacy.

I always notice when someone addresses me by "hey you", the same as I notice its absence from someone who normally uses it.

Today was a day when someone first addressed me by "hey you". It's got me a little upside down. Do you remember what I remember? What's the inflection? Do you have any better idea of what's going on than I do? You say "hey you" for the first time now, this morning, and I don't know what to think.